Zinc Plays Pokemon Red

[--WHAT ARE THOSE?!]

So uh... in an effort to encourage some more forum flow, I thought that maybe since you kids seem to play a lot of video games that if I played one, you would visit more or think I was cool or something...

See, I... don't really have the money to spare for any of those new game systems, so I got something a little older.  I hope you don't mind!  I'm not really much of a "gamer" either so um... please be patient.  I'm not really sure why I'm doing this.  I'm probably just making an ass out of myself.

Anyways, without further adieu, this is the game that I found on some homeless person who was dead when I found her I swear.





Well, this is looking okay so far--



--WHAT ARE THOSE?!



Pookeeeemon?  Is this the one about the monsters in the computers?



Err-- hello?  Um, sure, uh... nice to meet you--



O-oh, you don't say...?  Uh-- THAT'S THE THING THAT WAS KILLING THAT CAT!  Can we please change the subject from these terrible creatures?!



Okay you are being a little too personal for someone I just met--



Why do you know this?



That guy?  He looks kind of like a douche...



Oh.



WAIT I NEVER AGREED TO THIS!



Oh my God.  Oh my God I don't want this.  But I can't just stop playing.  I don't want to BUY a game!  Those are expensive!



Maybe I can play a game within a game--



I don't think this is working.



OH MY GOD I HAVE A MOTHER-- ...

Oh.

You're just adding that last part as an excuse to not hurt my feelings, aren't you?



--I'm fleeing the country.



I don't see him.



NO!



Wait YOU MEAN THAT THING WITH THE HORN ON ITS HEAD?!



I have no interest in any of this--!



RAPE!  RAPE!  SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!



W... w-well I'm sure this is just uh... obviously part of the game.  Maybe this won't be as bad as it seems--



I wish I was dead.



There's still time to hang myself-- Er?!



Do any of them have a rope?

...

I wish I never got out of bed this morning.



Insufferable, as always.



It'll be dead within the week.  Trust me, he can't even take care of a cactus.

So um... this crazy old man insists that I pick one of the following...



And they all look downright hideous and frightening.  The game won't let me do anything else, so I guess I'm stuck here until I choose one of these things.  I hear they can also have nicknames...?  I don't know what I'm doing.  Help me choose something.  Please.

Take the Bulbasaur, name it Liz!

You're a monster.

Yeah take the Bulbasaur.

I suggest the Squirtle, myself. I also suggest naming it Handel, after the dude who composed "Water Music." Because I'm clever.

Squirtle named Floatzart

You're a monster.

Yeah I am 

Name every pokemon "Derp."

Name every pokemon "Derp."

I agree.

Name every pokemon "Derp."

lmao I agree XD

I would request a charmander, and to name it 'Flam', but I think it might be too dangerous for Zinc. I vote Bulbasaur!!

[Fine]

Majority says Bulbasaur, so let's go with that.



Well, I suppose we can go with the plant dinosaur...



I see this ending in disaster already.



What?  I can like rap too, you know.  I'm not exclusive to classical.



Fine, take that one--



You're a real asshole, you know that?



I leaving--



Oh no.



I don't even want to fight--



Am I having a dizzy spell?



Can't I take my monster and just go home and never come outside ever again?



This is getting rather tedious.



I have to agree about that, actually.



Oh, of course.  Blame it on your fire lizard pet rather than admit you're at fault.  This isn't at all surprising for you.



Did I just mug Flint?



I'm pretty sure forcing creatures to fight one another is illegal.



Idiot.

Professor, this is clearly--



...



LET ME SAVE HIM.



Well, that was a failure.  This lab booted me out, my own mother booted me out, so I suppose north is the only way to go--



OHMYGOD!



I didn't even tell it anything.  Lil-Bulba just killed it.  I'm not sure if I'm doing this right or wrong.

Anyways, I made it to Viridian.



Wait, what's this?



Uhhhhhhhumuh h-h-h-ii...



I-i-iff you um... don't... m-mind...



I h-h-hope to see you um... too.



I think she tolerates me.



Are you stalking me too?



I come in here to purchase things only for a mysterious package to be thrusted into my arms and harassed into delivering to Professor Oak.  This surely isn't suspicious at all.



... Are you okay...?



S-sorry PLEASE DON'T CALL THE COPS!



I suppose I can't get past this very tiny tree either.



Sigh.



Not dead yet...?



You're just saying that.  I'm pretty sure the fact it bites my ankles isn't a sign of affection.



... What is in there--



SIGH.



No one called you and no one ever will.



Why can't we just use Wikipedia?



First, I never agreed to anything--



I really have to question the motives to some of these characters.



... W-wait.  You don't really mean that.  Right...?



... Flint...?



Even in a video game, I'm completely unloved.  How unsurprising...



So um... I guess we catch these monsters?  What ones would you like to see in the party?

Pidgey
Rattata
Spearow
Nidoran (both genders)
Weedle
Caterpie
Pikachu

I'd love to see you catch a Nidoran and evolve into a Nidoking or Nidoqueen!

Spearow is pretty awesome too.

I kind of like Rattata.

It's a rat, see. I like rats.

You should absolutely get a spearow.